Red (Colors Sequel)
by NateCrossing
Summary: Now with Ethan gone, Mark has to take on many responsibilities, too many responsibilities in fact. With everyone turning their backs on him, himself getting more and more closed off and, on top of that, one new recruit, unaware of his past, seemingly purposefully trying to get under his skin, how will Mark lead the rebels to win this war?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N :**

 **So this is a sequel for Colors (Crankiplier). Obviously, there will be no Crankiplier in this (just mentions), but don't worry, the story will go on. The first few chapters will be in Mark's POV, but then will shift, it shouldn't be too confusing but I prefer prefacing this here. Anyways, have a good read, I hope you enjoy this as much (if not more) as the first book!**

 **Ps : The video I linked is actually a song, I recommend playing towards the end of this chapter, where Mark goes back to his tent. But it can be played at the beginning too, just be sure to restart it at the end since it adds more to the scene.**

I cradled them in my arms, blinking two or twenty times to try and make the tears go away. But of course, they didn't.

I knew everyone was around me, looking at Ethan in various degrees of shock or grief, or both.

Their eyes were still open. They couldn't be dead if their eyes were still open, right?

I let my feet take me to the public place and, more specifically, to the stage that was still propped up there. After all this place already held so many bad memories, why not one more? Plus, I knew that it would be the best place to go to for us right now. Or for me I guess.

But no. Ethan couldn't be dead. I knew that in a second or two they were going to get up and laugh at their own little prank.  
But there was so much blood... No. No no no.

I sat down at the edge of the stage, my legs dangling in the air. I sat Ethan down on my lap, holding their head close to my chest.

Maybe hearing my heartbeat would bring them back? Well, not back since they weren't gone, just asleep. They always did like waking up to my heartbeat; I knew it calmed them down.

"Come on Ethan. Wake up. This isn't funny anymore." Why weren't they answering?

"Mark?" I instinctively pulled Ethan closer to me. "Mark? It's me, Cry." Cry?

I slowly looked up from Ethan to Cry. Cry was wearing his mask so I couldn't see what he was thinking. Did he want to take Ethan from me? I pulled them even closer to me just in case.

"Are you ok?" Ok? Why wouldn't I be? "Of course I am."

Why was I still crying? And why was my voice wavering so damn much?

"You don't look it buddy." I shrugged and looked back down at Ethan. I slowly pushed the hair away from their eyes. They hated when it happened, but loved their somewhat long hair way too much to cut it. I had to say, longer hair did suit them bettet than short hair.

"You should close their eyes. Feels more right."

"Why should I?"

"Well... That's what you do when someone dies you know?" I felt my blood boil. "Ethan is **not** dead." Cry took a step back at my sudden outburst.

"Look, I understand." "You understand nothing! Nothing! Is Felix dead? No! Ethan's dead and there's nothing I could do! Nothing!" I was breathing way too heavily.

I concentrated on Ethan's face, trying to memorize it.

"I-" "No shut the fuck up Cry! Who are you to tell me what to do when you're too fucking scared to even show anyone your face! And all of that only because your mom didn't love-" "Enough!" I looked up, ready to tear into Cry, but stopped as I took in his appearance. He had his fists bawled up and was breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling in rapid succession.

"I know you're angry. I get that. But that's no reason to take it out on me." He was clearly trying to stay calm but I could tell he was beyond pissed.

"I'm sorry." I felt the familiar sting in my eyes and soon I was bawling my eyes out again.

"I'm so sorry."

Cry relaxed his shoulders and sat down next to me. "You're right. I'm a coward." I shrunk down on myself. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry." I could see Cry smiling at me from under his mask.

"You're still right." Cry reached behind his head and undid the knot tying his mask to his face. He lowered it and let it rest between us.

"I think it's time we change. It's what _they_ would have wanted." He said, pointedly looking at Ethan.

Cry slowly raised his hand towards him. "Can I?" I feebly nodded. Cry reached further and gently closed Ethan's eyes. I shakily breathed in.

Seeing them with their eyes closed like this made everything all the more real. "It'll be alright buddy." I wiped some of my tears that had fallen on Ethan's cheeks off.

"I don't want to forget them." I mumbled and Cry wrapped an arm around my shoulders and squeezed my arm. "When you... Later on. Meet me at my tent. I have some things to show you." I furrowed my brows but, judging by Cry's face, he wasn't about to tell me.

I heard someone walk up to me and looked up at Nate. He looked about as defeated as I felt. "I know now's not a good time." He looked like he had been crying too. He did love Ethan just like me. "But everyone's devastated." And Ethan had been a great leader, a great Chief for everyone.

I needed to start thinking like a leader again, and not just like Ethan's lover.

"They need a speech. And a good one." I huffed. I guess even Ethan's death wasn't enough to stop Nate from being rude. Guess that's why I'm the leader and not him.

"Can you hold them for me?" I asked silently, turning towards Cry who nodded. I would've asked Nate if he hadn't been rude. I handed him Ethan's body and he held them the best he could.

I looked up and suddenly noticed the hundreds of soldiers looking at us, at me. I took a deep breath. God, I was not one for speeches.

Ethan was.

Ethan was great at everything.

I shook my head and got up.

"Better know what you're going to say." Nate snickered and I glared at him.

"Have you no respect for your Chief?" Nate glared back.

"You're no Chief of mine."

"I wasn't talking about me." I didn't even need to look at Ethan for Nate to get what I was saying. He looked at Ethan's body and let his angry facade fall. He looked heartbroken.

I turned back to the soldiers in front of me. Everything was eerily quiet, as if everyone was holding their breath to hear what I would say next.

I sighed.

"Look. I'm not Ethan. I could never be who they were." I felt myself getting choked up and had to cough a bit to keep it together. "But that won't stop me from trying my damnest to be as good a leader as they were. To be as considerate, loving and understanding as they were."

Everyone was nodding to themselves.

I needed to motivate them.

"We wouldn't be here today, so close to our victory, without the sacrifice of many of our friends, significant others, or even family." I looked back at Ethan, almost begging them to tell me what to say next.

And then I remembered what they had told me. What they had... last told me.

 _Honor Andrew_.

I smiled and turned back to the crowd. "There's one soldier I'd like to honor in particular. This soldier didn't always make the best of decisions and his hot temperament often clouded his judgement. But it's because of him that we are here today. As many of you know, the red team leader, Andrew, was the one to detonate the multiple bombs that destroyed not only the many tunnels under the ground known as The Underground, but also every ACH camp." I purposefully left out the part about how Ethan was the one supposed to die and how Andrew's sacrifice had been pretty useless in the end to help keep him high in everyone's mind.

"Because of his sacrifice, we are now one huge step closer to ending this dictatorship." People were looking proud. Be it of how far we had come or of Andrew, it didn't matter.

I'd managed to get their spirits up and honor Andrew's memory at the same time. I bet Ethan would have been proud of me.

I almost turned back to see if they were smiling at me. With the corners of their eyes crinkling. And their pearly whites showing.

I really almost did.

But then I remembered why I was making this speech in the first place and quickly jotted that down.

The people were waiting for me to continue my speech. I guess I probably should explain how I planned on being a good Chief. That would probably calm them down.

"Speaking of Andrew, one of the last thing he told Ethan," my voice cracked as I pronounced their name, "was that what made them a great Chief, amongst other things, was their ability to forgive everyone and anyone. Well, I think that in order to be a great Chief, you need to move past this and be tougher mentally. We can't afford to forgive everyone when our enemies are so close." Everyone looked at each other, clearly not believing what I was saying.

"Well, if we follow your logic, Ethan shouldn't have forgiven you." Nate snarked and I shrugged. "Maybe they shouldn't have."

I didn't see Cry and Nate's concerned glance at each other, my eyes were focused on Ethan.

I shook my head.

"Either way, we need to be stricter so that what happened today never happens again. We also need to recruit more soldiers. Now, with the ACH almost dismantled, we're more powerful than ever. We need to use this to our advantage."

"Ok I think that's enough for today." I glared at Nate. Fuck he really could be a pain in the ass when he wanted to. Why would Ethan want me to take him as my lieutenant?

Oh! Right. I almost forgot.

"One last thing. I name Nate as my right hand man." This shocked the audience (as well as Nate) and I raised a brow.

"I'm only doing this because it was what Ethan wanted. Don't get your hopes up." Nate glared at me and, for a split second, I thought he was going to take a swing with his fist at me. However, Cry stepped up between the both of us. He was still carrying Ethan's limp body in his arms.  
The sight made me shiver.

"We need to give them a proper burial. They're the reason most of us even joined the rebellion. They never stopped believing in us. Nor in our ability to win the war. They deserve the best." I glared at Cry. "Well go ahead since you seem to think that you know better than me anyways. Next you're going to say that Ethan should've made _you_ Chief!" Cry was staring at me in astonishment.

I huffed and walked away from the scene to Ethan and I's -errr... To _my_ tent, I guess.

I slipped in and tried to regulate my breathing. I had almost ran here and, even with all the training I had been doing to stay fit, the sand dust flying everywhere (especially with me running and kicking some up even more) was heavy on my lungs. I coughed a few times and soon, I was back to breathing normally.

 _The tent smelled like Ethan._

I barely had any time to process the information before I was bursting into tears, sobs painfully racking through my body. But it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart.

How could I move on? How could I do anything without them? Without Ethan?

I grabbed a fistful of my hair and tugged on it to try and calm myself. I didn't even feel the sting. I wanted to scream. But my throat seemed to have shut down, the only things breaking through being my ugly sobs.

Why did they have to leave me? Why now? I wobbled to the bed as best as I could. I think I was shaking. But I wasn't really aware of my surroundings. Well. Except for the overwhelming scent of _Ethan_. Everything reminded me of them.

I could almost see them sat at his desk, working like a slave for hours on end. Or sat on the table because 'chairs are so last year.' Or brewing me some coffee even though they hated the smell, but still did it because they knew it made me happy.

 _The bed smelled like them._

I knew I probably shouldn't have been cradling the things that smelled like them if I wanted them to keep their smell, but right now, the thought barely registered.

I plunged my head into their pillow and filled my nostrils with their smell. I hugged the damn thing as tight against my face as I could. I almost couldn't breathe, but, if I died, at least I'd get to see Ethan.

The thought was tempting, alluring almost. But I knew that they would have wanted me to go on.

I knew they were supposed to die today. But it wasn't supposed to end like this.

Not with them losing all of their blood in my arms.  
Not with them scared but too stubborn to admit it.

And now I was left alone with an entire team that I had to lead in this war on my arms. Of course, I knew how to be a leader, I had been one in the past after all. But it wasn't the same.

My job was easy, we had the upper hand. I could get my lieutenant to do everything for me. As long as I took the hard decisions.

And now, having Nate as my lieutenant really wasn't the best of things. He would never help me. Not in a million years.

I knew that Ethan always took great decisions.  
But this time, they might not have.

 **A/N :**

 **Are you as excited as I am? Btw, I know exactly what will happen in this story and I'm very eager to see how everyone will react to it, so by all means, don't hesitate to write some comments (even to ask something, those are the best), vote and read the rest of this once I'll post it, thank you so much! ?** **ﾟﾘﾊ**


	2. Chapter 2

I slowly woke up. I rubbed my eyes to try and get the gunk out of them. I had probably fallen asleep crying which would explain why my eyes hurt so much.

I sat up on the bed, groggily taking in my surroundings.

Everything around me was dark except for a few lights coming from outside. Usually, our tent was never dark. Ethan always worked until dawn so even when I would eventually drag him to bed, it would already be bright outside. So, seeing our tent so dark was off-putting to put it gently, and very fucking depressing in reality.

I needed to get out of here.

I got up and left the tent in one swift motion. A few people were still bustling around, especially the doctors and nurses. Which was pretty logical considering the battle we'd just fought. Some tents still had light coming from them, but most of them were asleep.

I continued walking, putting one foot in front of the other without much thought as to where I was headed.

I passed the infirmary and all its stress. I passed the 'guarding tent' where I had been kept for way too long for someone who was now the leader of the people who had first kept him as a prisoner. But, weirdly enough, and even though the thought registered, I couldn't bring myself to care.

I arrived at Nate's tent and thanked all the Gods I knew when I saw that there were no lights on inside and so that he wouldn't come bothering me any more. I passed his tent and most of the still-lighted ones.

Now that all the noises, lights and, well, life, had been left behind me, I truly felt alone.

I noticed the shape of the stage in front of me and quietly sighed. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and walked to it.

As I neared it, I noticed a shape, sitting alone in the dark, just like I had been sitting with Ethan a few hours ago. My first instinct had been to think that this was, in fact, Ethan. But it obviously couldn't be.

I climbed on and the figure turned to me. It was Cry. He had put his mask back on and, even without any light, the white of the porcelain contrasted so much with the darkness of our surroundings that I could immediately tell it was him. Plus, it couldn't have been anyone else.

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest as I noticed a body laying on Cry's lap.

"Who is it?" Cry looked down at the voice, which I realized belonged to Felix. I breathed out in relief.

Right.

It was Felix.

Of course it was. It couldn't have been... anyone else... anyway.

"Mark." Cry's voice was hoarse as if he hadn't spoken in a while. Or as if he had been crying. I inwardly cursed myself.

"Can I sit with you?" Cry looked back up at me and the empty, emotionless look of his mask truly unsettled me for the first time ever. Felix reached up and traced Cry's jawline with a finger.

"I don't own the spot." _Yikes_. Guess that meant yes in angry-Cry language.

I wearily sat down next to him and Felix looked up at me. Felix and I had gotten close ever since I'd arrived here, and I knew that I could call them my friend. However, I also knew that Cry came before anyone. And so, I couldn't blame them for not saying anything to me.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"Twice." I winced. "Yes. Twice."

"No you shouldn't have." I stared at my feet. I hated that Cry was shutting me out like this, but I couldn't say that I didn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry I did." Felix yelped as Cry suddenly tightened his hand that had been slowly running through their hair. Cry mumbled an apology to Felix and unclenched his hand.

"A plain sorry isn't going to cut it." Cry wasn't even looking at me anymore. He was stroking Felix's hair.

"Can't say I don't deserve that." Cry wasn't answering. "You don't deserve to be yelled at, you're the nicest person I know and you were trying to help me. I'm sorry I didn't think before speaking." I sighed at Cry's stillness. "Please Cry, I don't want to lose you as a friend."

Felix nudged Cry's hand with their head. "Come on. He apologized." Cry huffed.

I stared at the both of them as they had a silent conversation simply by looking at each other. "Fine." Cry drawled out after a moment and turned to me.

"You ever talk to me like that again, and I'll probably make sure that you end up alone forever." I nodded. "I promise I won't." We stayed silent, staring at each other awkwardly until Felix got up from Cry's lap and pushed him towards me.

"Hug it out you two." I smiled at Felix and then at Cry before engulfing him in a bone-crushing hug.

"I'm really sorry." Cry was silent, but he was hugging me just as tight, if not tighter.

Now I only needed not to fuck up.

Oh God I had fucked up.

I had had to assign new people to take on jobs like our hairdresser, or even which person would be in charge of cleaning which part of the camp, or who would guard our prisoners, and now the whole camp had gone to shit.

People were barking orders at each other, soldiers were running around in a circle trying to make sense of the orders they were getting, and some citizens were laughing at the whole mess.

I could only stare at whole thing in disbelief.

"Chief I-"  
"Chief!"  
"Mark we-"  
"Chief!"

People had started noticing me and more and more were approaching me. They all more or less looked like they had gone to hell and back. And they probably had considering what was going on in front of me.

God, it all looked so easy to Ethan. I was such a mess with him gone.

"Alright, back off, one at a time, we'll help you." My head shot up at Cry's voice rang louder than the crowd of people.

Making his way through everyone, he stood next to me and winked my way. "Dropped the mask?" Cry shrugged. "For today."

With Cry's help, we went through every single person who needed our help, successfully resolving any problem that had occurred.

"I think I've learned more about this camp in the last few hours than in the last few months I've been here." Cry chuckled.

He then stretched his arms above his head and his shirt rode up a bit. I smiled. Felix was very lucky to have Cry as a partner.

My smile turned bittersweet as I realized that I would most-likely spend the rest of my life alone since there was no way in hell that I could get over Ethan, let alone fall in love again.

Cry pinched my cheek and I yelped. "Hey! What was that for?" Cry chuckled. "You looked sad and lost in thought, and that's not a good cocktail in my book." I smiled at him.

"Thanks for your help. Dunno where I'd be without you." Cry shrugged. "It's fine, but I won't be able to do it everytime. I'm not your lieutenant after all, I have other duties to do." I frowned at that.

"Speaking of lieutenant, I better go and talk with Nate. He should've been here." Cry rolled his eyes.

"Don't be too harsh on him, he'll be better on your side." I nodded. "I know, I know. Though, I still think that my right hand man should've been you."

"Why didn't you choose me then?"

"Ethan wanted it to be Nate."

"Yes, but he's dead." I glared at Cry who bit his lip and shot me an apologetic smile. "Ok too far, heard it when I said it, I'm sorry." I rolled my eyes at him and he raised his arms in surrender.

"Whatever. Go back to your 'duties', or Felix as most of us refer to them and I'll go talk to Nate." I said while turning around and smiled as I heard Cry chuckled.

It felt better having him laugh with me rather than ignoring me.

I walked to Nate's tent and composed myself before calling him. I needed to stay calm rather than get angry if I wanted this to work.

"Nate? It's Mark. Can we talk?"

"No." Great start, lovely.

"I'm asking you as your Chief. Please come out."

"I thought I'd already told you that you were no Chief of mine. Didn't know you were a fucking dumbass as well as a pain in the ass." I felt myself getting angry but breathed in and tried to calm myself. Getting angry would get me nowhere.

"At least do it for Ethan."

"Using the dead as an argument now? Wow, I never thought you would have sunk so low."

I saw red at this. I burst into Nate's tent without much consideration and saw him laying limp on his bed.

He shot up as I came in, of course, and started yelling about privacy and how I was a trespasser as well as a fucker. I continued walking to him and stopped right in front of his bed. He got up in front of me and continued rattling insults, but I was barely listening.

"Listen." I said as calmly as I could. Nate shut up for a second but then opened his mouth back up to continue spewing off insults.

" _Listen_." Nate closed his mouth and glared at me. He had his arms crossed and he honestly would have looked like a pouting kid if it were not for his many tattoos and overall muscular appearance.

Actually, he was quite scary. But he didn't intimidate me.

"I don't like you, you don't like me. Fine. Good. That's great. I don't care. All I care about is this war and how we're going to win it. And it just so happened that I became the leader of the rebellion and that you are my lieutenant. So yes, we hate each other, but we _have_ to work together. So if you could just repress that hate for a hot second so that we can get some work done, I'd really appreciate it." Nate continued glaring at me.

"And we can go back to hating each other once we're done!" God _I_ was done. There's only so much sass I can take from Nate.

"Fine." I had gotten ready to leave, so Nate's answer made me perk up. "But I still hate you." Was that a miracle? Must have been.

"Fine by me. Now follow me please. We've got loads to discuss."


	3. Chapter 3

Burials had never really been proper before in the camp. Usually, it was just digging a hole and putting all the soldiers that had died in there with a stone which listed all of their names.

Even with the Chief before Ethan, there hadn't been much of a ceremony. When I had asked Cry about it, he'd told me that a few words had been said by Ethan and that she had simply been buried with her partner.

But I wanted to change that. I wanted to do something more for Ethan.

And so we had decided on doing a sort of ceremony that would still end with Ethan being simply put in the ground. This would be so that everyone could say some words to them, their goodbyes mostly.

Nate, Cry and I were all sitting nearby, watching soldier after soldier, citizen after citizen walking up to the stand on which Ethan was laying. They looked peaceful like that, laying with their eyes closed on as many flowers as we could find.

I had had Nate help me dress them up as a way (or more of an attempt) of bonding with him and telling him that I respected him or something. Well, put like that, it sounded way more macabre than it actually had been. It had also seemed like the right person to choose considering the feelings that he had for Ethan.

In all honesty, we weren't much different.

We had settled for a casual outfit. Knowing Ethan, they wouldn't have wanted to be buried in soldier gear or even in a suit or a dress.

And so, here we were.

All three of us had been deathly silent all day. It just wasn't a day for words. At least not to the living.

Cry stood up and I realized that every soldier that had wanted to talk to their Chief were done.

After Cry, it would be Nate's turn, and then mine. It seemed logical that I went last since I had known them the longest and had also been their partner.

Cry sat back down and Nate got up. I had never seen Nate so quiet and... worked up.

Well, we were all quite worked up. It seemed that even the sky was in mourning. It had been gray all day, with huge clouds drifting by, threatening to spill and rain any second.

There was no wind, too. Nothing to disturb the deafening silence or to make the clouds go away. It would probably rain all night.

I stared at Nate as he spoke to Ethan. He looked run down. As if Ethan leaving him really had left a huge hole in his heart. It probably had, now that I was thinking about it. Nate put his hand on Ethan's cheek and smiled. He was crying.

We were all crying.

Well, I wasn't. Not yet at least.

But as Nate sat back down, quietly sobbing while looking down, and as I got up before making my way over to Ethan, I knew that my eyes wouldn't stay dry very long.

Just like Nate, I put my hand on Ethan's cheek. I felt a few tears coming up but I blinked them back down.

"Hey there blue..." I tried to put a smile on my face, but it didn't stay very long.

"I don't even know what I could tell you that you wouldn't already know." The tears came back and, this time, I let them fall.

"I love you." I felt myself getting choked up and allowed a few sobs to rack my throat. "You already know that, of course. But I just wanted to remind you." This was way too hard.

"I can't bear seeing you like this. It... I..." I let out a few more sobs and turned my head away from Ethan.

"You were such a great person... Such a great person. And I- I'm so glad that you were part of my life for as long as you were." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep it together. Everyone was watching and I didn't want to seem weak.

"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to protect you. I love you, Ethan. I truly do." I let my hand that had been resting on Ethan's cold cheek fall limp at my side.

"I'm sorry."

I walked back to Cry and Nate with an emotionless mask on my face. I couldn't let them see how much this affected me. I needed to be a stone-cold leader.

Forever.

"Hi Cry. You wanted to see me?" Cry nodded. He was wearing his mask today.

"Yes. I've got stuff that might interest you." Great. Maybe he had found something about the enemy. Maybe their new hiding spot. Or maybe he had developed a new weapon that could help us neutralize any soldier.

Cry lead me to his bedroom and pushed his mattress off of his bed. "Don't tell everyone, but this is where I hide my stuff. Ethan wasn't too happy about me not trusting people enough not to hide my stuff, but once it helped them store guns and other weapons in case of an attack, they accepted it fairly quickly. Anyway."

I was tight-lipped. I really hated that Cry was speaking about them. I didn't need to think about them. They were dead anyway.

"Ah-ha! Here they are!" Cry reached even further under into his bed (how deep was this thing anyway?) and retrieved what looked to be a small wooden blue box. I raised a brow as Cry dusted a few dust bunnies off of the box. He handed it to me and, even with his mask there, I could tell that he was smiling. Everything in him was just screaming 'happy!'.

"Here! Take it." I wearily grabbed the box while eyeing Cry, but he didn't seem to be about to talk. Instead, he went to his bed and started putting his mattress back on. I averted my eyes to the box, to its top, then to its underside, and also to the sides just to be sure. But it just appeared to be a simple wooden blue box.

"Open it, trust me." Cry was back in front of me, being done with his bed. I shrugged and opened the lid.

There were... pictures? Blank polaroid pictures?I furrowed my brows. Why would Cry or Ethan want me to have these? Plus I thought that they had all been destroyed when it became illegal to take any kind of pictures.

I grabbed one that was slightly on top of the pile and played with it in my hand. "Ethan told me that you used to love these, so I got them a polaroid camera and they took those." I looked up at Cry as he spoke before looking back down at the picture in my hand.

Maybe they weren't blank after all. I turned the picture over and felt my jaw fall open. It was a picture of Ethan and I laying in bed. I was very obviously asleep and Ethan was very obviously not considering that they were winking and blowing a kiss at the camera.

My hands started shaking violently. I let the picture fall to the ground. The box followed suit a second after. I heard Cry shout something, but it didn't register what.

I took a few steps back. I was on the verge of crying but I felt more enraged than sad. "I don't want to **ever** hear from them again!" I was yelling at Cry but I barely even heard it. It didn't matter anyway.

I ran out of his tent, not letting him any time to answer.

I needed to work harder and to forget about them.

I needed to move on.

It was the only right thing to do.

I closed my eyes, trying to clear my mind to finally, finally fall asleep. I had been tossing and turning for what felt like hours.

The bed felt too empty. It didn't feel right to be sleeping alone in this huge bed.

I felt too empty.

I opened my eyes and turned on my side, simply staring at the wall.

I didn't even feel sad anymore. Which was probably for the best since I don't think that my body could've handled much more crying. I had also felt angry for a moment, but now I only felt dull, emotionless. As if a void had been put where my normal emotions should've been.

I felt stuck. Like in those dreams where you try to run but you're in slow-motion and everything around you is moving way too quick and you can't keep up. That's how everything felt.

I sat up on the bed and ran both of my hands through my hair. God I felt pathetic.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and got up. I needed to do something. And quickly. Anything to keep my mind occupied. Maybe if I did so I would get so exhausted that I'd pass out immediately.

I walked out of my tent and instead made my way to the one we used to take care of all war-related business.

As I got closer, I heard some people talking. "Well we can't just wake up Mark, you know how he is lately. He needs to rest." That was undoubtedly Cry. "Well he needs to square up if he wants anyone to take him seriously." And that was Nate. Great. "Alright go get him I guess." Came Cry's tired answer.

I walked into the tent. "No need, I'm already awake. What's going on?" They both turned to me in shock but quickly recovered. Cry was the first one to speak up. "Well, you know those soldiers that you asked us to deploy a few miles around the edge of the camp? Well they proved useful today since two of them spotted a large group of enemies heading our way." I turned to Nate at the news, more than tempted to gloat about this since he had been completely against the idea. But now was not the time.

"Alright. Let's gather team red and purple and go see what's going on." Cry and Nate exchanged glances. "Ok what's going on." Cry looked down but Nate didn't back down.

"We already sent the green and pink teams." I raised my eyebrows in disbelief at Nate.

"Without informing me. Who the fuck do you think you are!" Well, I guess that numbness had passed because I was feeling furious right now. "I am your lieutenant! Don't forget that you fuck. I have the right to do as I please without you breathing down my neck!"

"You have no right to insult me! I have taken enough of your shit! I'm fucking sick of you! I don't even know how Ethan could have someone like you as a friend!" Cry, who had shrunk on himself as we had started yelling, had full-on left now. And with no one to stop us, the situation could only escalate.

"You wanna talk about Ethan? Let's talk about Ethan! Do you want to talk about how they were suicidal for about a year because you had left and they felt unloved? Do you want to talk about all the times that I helped them get better and just _smile_? Or do you maybe want to talk about the fact that they got killed because of y-" "Enough!" I was seething with rage.

"Enough you good for nothing brown hair. At least I wasn't lusting after them all these years without ever managing to get into their pants! Because I _did_ , and it was _great_! Better than you could ever imagine! And I bet you did imagine you sick twisted fuck!" Nate glared at me and I glared right back.

Now everything had been said. All of our cards had been played.

"Yes I did love Ethan. I loved them with all of my heart." Nate was speaking slowly, calmly, but there was no denying the underlying furry hidden behind his calmness. "And I would've loved for us to be together. But it didn't happen. They never even noticed me. And for your information, I was happy when you two got together. If Ethan was happy, then so was I. Now fuck off. Fuck right off Mark Fischbach. And come back when you know what you're talking about." Nate's words caught me off.

I had expected him to blow off, but instead he was calm. He had the same defeated look that he'd worn at Ethan's burial.

I suddenly felt like a giant douche.

"What the fuck don't you understand in 'fuck off'?!" Nate yelled and I stumbled out of the tent.

I stood outside in silence, processing what I'd just heard. I could hear Nate sobbing inside and it did not help.

I decided to walk to my tent. It would probably help clearing my head.

So Nate had admitted to being in love with Ethan.

God there was just too much that I didn't know about Ethan. I didn't even know that they used to... be so low mentally. And Nate had been the one to help.

It made me wonder exactly how long exactly had Nate started loving Ethan. If it had been since the start, then I couldn't even begin to imagine what he must have been through. Seeing someone that you love hit rock bottom is never easy.

And then to see that same person that you've loved, helped and cherished for all these years fall back in the arms of the same person that caused them so much sorrow.

God I must've seemed like the biggest asshole to Nate. He actually had a valid reason to hate me. Whereas I only disliked him because he loved Ethan. I should've been thanking him for helping Ethan and proving him that I wasn't the asshat he thought I was. And instead what did I do?

Prove him that I was exactly who he thought I was.

Fuck I really didn't deserve to be the Chief. I knew I didn't deserve Ethan, it was old news. But really, I didn't deserve anything.

I walked under my tent and to my bed. I felt exhausted. But I probably wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.

I sat on the edge of my bed and plopped down and cursed loudly as my back hit something pointy and sharp. I rolled on the other side of the bed and looked at what had had hurt my back so badly.

I pulled the covers away and almost burst into tears at the sight of the blue box from earlier. Of course.

Of course fate would be like that.

I took a deep breath. I guess it was or never. I needed to stop lying to myself and accept that I would never be able to forget Ethan. It was the simple truth. Just like I knew that I could never let anyone get too close to me. They would only get hurt in the end.

I slowly opened the box and peered inside. The pictures were all there just like before. I grabbed one and stared at it.

It was me with fresh dye on my head waiting to dry. The only trace of Ethan on this picture were their fingers giving me bunny ears while I wasn't looking. I felt myself chuckle and stopped in my tracks. Wow, it had been a while. It had also been a while that I had had my hair dyed, but I didn't think that I could let anyone other than Ethan do it.

I put the picture on my pillow and grabbed another one. This one was of Ethan writing something down on a blue print. Someone must've snapped that one of them since they seemed lost in their own world, pencil in their mouth and eyebrows furrowed.

Why did they have two pencils anyway? I brushed the thought away. When had Ethan ever been normal anyway?

I put that one of my pillow and grabbed the next one. This one was of Ethan and Cry taking a selfie and doing silly faces. Ethan looked really cute in this one. I felt myself get teary-eyed and didn't even try to hold back my tears. I knew it was useless at this point.

I grabbed another one and it was the one from before. The one of me sleeping and of Ethan blowing a kiss at the camera. God they must have planned this for a long time.

Grabbing another one, I noticed that it was a continuation of the one where Ethan was busy working. This time, Ethan was looking straight at the camera while flipping it off with both hands, pencil still in their mouth.

It must've been Cry taking the pictures I realized. No one else knew about the polaroids anyway.

Ethan was smiling in the picture. I hope they had been happy before dying. At least a little bit. They deserved it more than anyone.

I grabbed another picture and bit my lip at the sight. The picture had to have been taken right after we had had sex for the first time. The very day before Ethan had died. I was asleep once again. Ethan and I were both naked, but the covers were draped on us in a way that made it looked we were just shirtless. Ethan was kissing my shoulder. It now seemed obvious why the picture wasn't framed perfectly since Ethan wasn't looking at the camera, but at me. They were looking at me like I was the best thing in their life.

I was not. I knew that for a fact.

Slowly but surely, I looked through every single picture in the box but one. A few tears had rolled down my cheeks by now. The pictures combined with what Nate had just told me on top of everything else that had happened simply was too much.

I grabbed the last picture in the box and felt a few more tears heavily roll down my cheeks as I stared at it.

It was of us kissing.

Cry must've taken this one too because... well. Let's say Ethan was too busy.

We looked so peaceful. Like nothing in the world would tear us apart. "Oh but it did." I hugged the picture to my chest and allowed myself to sob.

I never deserved Ethan and yet they still gave me another chance. And I managed to fuck everything up.

They had died because of me.

Had they not been searching for me, they would've survived.

Everything was my fault.


	4. Chapter 4

"Chief? Chief please wake up."

I groaned and opened an eye before groaning even more at the soldier's face that _way too_ close to mine. "Back off. I'm up." The soldier took a step back and saluted me.

I sat up on the bed and noticed with annoyance that all the pictures were still on the pillow next to me, on full display for the soldier to feast their eyes upon.

Great. So much for being emotionless.

I didn't even know this soldier's name.

Why were they waking me up anyway? Actually, that was a good question.

"What's going on?" I was _not_ in a good mood. I had barely slept again and now this unfamiliar soldier was in my room, waking me up at the crack of dawn. Or at least, at what seemed to be the morning if the lights outside were anything to go by.

"Sir, uhm well-" "I am not a 'sir'. Never address as so again." The soldier widened their eyes and started blurting out apologies after apologies.

Fuck, I was not in the mood for this bullshit.

"Enough. Just tell me why you're here." The soldier straightened up and I rolled my eyes again. "Yes Chief. Soldier Cry sent me to get you. He and Lieutenant Nate need you."

No one fucking needs me.

I pushed the bitter thought away and stood up. I pulled the covers up and over the pictures and the box. I'll take care of it later.

I turned around and rolled my eyes at the soldier that was still just standing there, in my room, while I was only in a shirt and boxers.

"Do you want me to strip for you too? Get out of here! Tell Cry I'll be there in a minute!" The soldier widened their eyes for the second time today and scrambled out of the tent.

God fucking damn it. I hated everyone.

Why couldn't Cry come and get me himself anyway? I paused mid-action.

In fact, why hadn't he? It wasn't like he hadn't done it before. I glared at nothing in particular. If Cry was trying to piss me off, then he had succeeded.

I pulled a random shirt over my head as well as some blue jeans before putting on my shoes and walking out.

Fucking Cry. And fucking Nate too. It was like they had all ganged up on me to annoy me.

I took a deep breath as I arrived in front of the tent. I needed to remember what I'd learned yesterday. I probably needed to apologize to Nate.

I took another deep breath and walked in.

"Took you long enough." I did a double-take at Cry's annoyed tone. What was up with him today?

"Sorry I-" "Whatever. I just wanted to tell you that Nate and I are going to catch up with team green and team pink. There seemed to have been twice as many enemies as we first thought."

At the mention of his name, Nate looked up and I finally noticed him. He was sitting on a chair in the back of the tent, hunched over himself. Just like Cry, he was dressed in full battle gear.

"So you need me to come. Alright I'll-" "No we need you to keep watch." I was getting angrier and angrier by the second.

First Cry had woken me up at a fucking ungodly hour by a soldier I didn't know. Then, he'd scolded me and interrupted me -two time nonetheless-. And now this? Fuck that.

"You can't decide this shit without me." Cry glared at me and I took a step back. That was rare.

"No, but _I_ can." Nate said while getting up and walking behind Cry. He put his hand on Cry's shoulder and I glared at the both of them.

So this is how they wanted to play it, huh?

Cry raised a brow. "I think that you've more than proved that you can't control yourself enough to lead anything. What kind of Chief can't even get along with their Lieutenant?"

Cry and Nate were both looking at me like I was the lowest shit on Earth. At least I think Nate was, I hadn't managed to look him in the eyes yet. I just couldn't after what had happened yesterday.

Cry was looking at me, almost daring me to say anything to him. I knew I couldn't say no. If I did, it would only confirm what he'd just said.

I needed to be responsible and think like a leader.

 _What would Ethan have done?_

Ethan would've thanked them, told them that they trusted them but to still be careful. In that order.

"All right. Nate, I trust you to be careful and to rightfully lead our teams." I looked at Nate for the first time today and he seemed surprised. Cry too, but I didn't really care about Cry right now. Not after what he had pulled today.

"Sure..." I nodded at Nate. I glanced at Cry but his face wasn't giving anything away as to what he was thinking.

I turned around and left without nodding at Cry. He didn't deserve my approval.

Now I should find something to do while waiting for them to return. Standing around while not doing anything would be the death of me.

"Chief! Good to see you uhm... Do you have a sec?" Well here comes my something to do.

I turned around and stared at Ben. He had different colored dye from his hands all the way up to his elbows. He also had some splotches on his cheeks and I honestly didn't want to ask how he got them.

"Sure do. What's the matter?" Ben sighed in relief. "Well, as you can see, I'm having some trouble with the dyes you assigned me to create." I frowned.

Why couldn't anything ever go right in this camp?

"What's up with them?" Ben ran a hand through his hair and curse as he remembered that they were covered in dye.

"Oh you should go wash that off immediately if you don't want it to stain." Ben shrugged. "Well, that's the problem, they don't take. And on top of that I can't read Ethan's notes. I swear their handwriting is worse than chicken scratch." I chuckled at that. That was Ethan all right.

"Ok, let's go to your tent and I'll help you fix it." Ben shrugged. "Sure, but I doubt that you'll be able to decipher anything."

"Don't need to, Ethan taught me themselves." Ben perked up at that, as if remembering that I used to be closer to Ethan than most people.

"Oh. Well, that sure helps." I nodded absentmindedly.

We both walked to the hairdresser's tent and I sighed. This only helped reminding me that I needed a haircut real bad. My red dye had faded so much, it looked orange.

I walked in and sighed at the mess in front of me. Long gone were the days where everything would be exactly at its place, labelled and all.

"Well, we better get started."

I wiped at my forehead and smiled at Ben who plopped down on a chair.

"Fuck, I'm glad that's done." Ben chuckled. "So am I. Thank you for your help Chief."

"Thank you for taking on this work. And call me Mark, enough with the formalities." Ben smiled. "You know, I'm sorry to say this but... I'm only doing this for a small while. Being a hairdresser really isn't my thing." I nodded.

"With all due respect, I really think that you should do it." I frowned at that.

Ben looked agitated. She knew that she had crossed an invisible threshold. We weren't friends and merely had worked together. But I couldn't get angry at her when I knew that she was right.

Ben must've seen my troubled expression because she started blurting out reasons to justify herself.

"Because you're like... Way better than I am at this you know? Like you actually know the recipes and don't need to spend thirty minutes to try and read Ethan's instructions. And you won't always be available to help me." I smiled at her and she paused her rambling. "I get it. But I'm not ready yet. It still feels too much like Ethan's world for me to take over it." Ben nodded.

"But I promise that I will. Eventually. And you know that you can stop whenever you want to." Ben opened her mouth to answer, however, before she could, the same soldier from this morning burst into the tent.

"Hey, have you seen- Oh good! Here you are Chief! We need you right now at the camp's entrance." I got up immediately.

"On my way." I hurried to the sink and washed the dye off of my hands.

I nodded goodbye at Ben and rushed to the camp's entrance.

Well, we called it the entrance. It was more of the only place that was tent-free and that led to the outside of the camp.

"What's going on?"

"You'll see once we get there." I raised a brow at the soldier's commanding tone but said nothing.

Did everyone hate me here?

As we neared the camp's entrance, I immediately noticed what was the problem.

A large flock of enemies were in front of the camp, seemingly waiting. Our soldiers had their guns pointed at them, but they weren't shooting. Good. Better not to shoot when we're so close to the camp.

I looked around for Nate or Cry, but they weren't there.

Actually, I noticed that neither the pink nor green team was there. There was only team purple and blue.

"Someone report."

"Here Chief!" I looked at my right and noticed Felix. I smiled at them but they didn't smile back.

And I honestly couldn't tell if it was because of the whole enemies thing or the whole Cry thing. Better not to ask.

Felix looked too serious, it didn't suit them. "They just arrived here. They claim to be unarmed but we didn't send someone to check because we deemed it unsafe. Also we were waiting on you."

"Where are Nate and Cry?" Felix looked down at the mention of Cry. "We don't know. We haven't heard anything from them since they've been gone. Nothing from the pink or green team either." I hummed distractedly.

From the looks of it, we could potentially protect ourselves from them if it came down to it. After all, our soldiers were well-trained.

But if what Cry had said was true, then that meant that there were way more enemies waiting out there.

Fuck. We really were in a shitty situation.

"Mark? Mark! I can't believe it's you!" I looked around myself, searching for where the -weirdly familiar- voice came from.

And then I noticed him. One of the enemies had moved forward and was looking at me, _smiling_.

Our soldiers were looking between me and him, obviously confused.

The enemy took off his helmet and it clicked.

"Tyler!" I stepped forward, moving past our row soldiers that still had their guns drawn before engulfing him in a hug. We were both laughing.

Fucking Tyler. I had completely forgotten about him in the midst of everything.

God, I was so glad that those bombs hadn't killed him.

"Fucking hell Mark, I'm so glad you're okay!" Tyler patted me on the back and I smiled at him fondly. "The feeling's mutual."

"I had a hard time recognizing you what with the red hair and all."

"Same with you. I thought you'd never drop the buzz cut." Tyler shrugged and I heard a cough behind me.

Oh. Right.

I turned around.

Everyone was looking at me in various degrees of shock. Some were also glaring at me.

Well, makes you wonder who your real friends are.

"Wait here a sec."

"Don't worry about it." I left Tyler and walked back to my soldiers.

The row of armed soldiers reluctantly let me pass, though some were intensely glaring at me. Felix was also one of those glaring at me.

Fuck, first Cry and now Felix? Did anyone here still like me? Damn.

"Hey, I used to be those people's Chief. Of course I know them." A few people nodded but most still didn't trust me.

"This guy used to be my best friend. We used to share a cell back when I was still in prison." Some people raised their brows. Oh right. "They used to capture people who had, had had or were suspected of having colored hair. I was one of those people."

I turned back towards Tyler. "I trust Tyler here with my life."

"That doesn't mean he's good." I tried to find the person that had spoken, but couldn't. "Believe it or not, but most of us that joined the ACH were forced to. Not everyone is bigoted asshole." People were unimpressed. They didn't trust me at all.

They would've trusted Ethan.

"How many of us has he killed." I was almost tempted to say that I also had indirectly killed many of our soldiers, but it wouldn't have helped my case.

"And how many people that were basically shredded of their identities and enslaved have we killed? The ACH was first formed as a way to help colored-haired people 'repent'. Only few army majors or policemen joined." That argument seemed to have worked.

Finally, I was making some progress.

"He's still not welcomed here." I noticed who was talking this time.

It was Bob, one of our sharp shooter. Really nice guy all around and one of the best in team purple. But it was no secret that he really really hated the ACH and all of its soldiers. Including me.

But I thought that we had moved past that. Apparently not.

"Look, Bob. Give Tyler a chance. He really is a nice guy." Bob seemed to be considering it.

"Even if we accept _him_ , what about the rest of them? We can't just allow all of them to stay. Even if we did trust them, we don't have enough food for all of them." That had been another soldier.

I didn't know their name but I vaguely remembered seeing them guarding my tent the first few days I'd been here. Though their hair had been green back then, they now were blue.

"We could help with that." I sharply turned around at Tyler's voice. He hadn't moved from his spot, thankfully.

Had we really been so loud that he heard us from all the way over there?

I nodded at him to continue. After all, who was better than him to defend his team?

Well, as Chief I probably was. But as ex-leader of the ACH, I really wasn't.

"My team and I were on ground in town while the explosions happened. Once we understood what had happened, we all agreed on taking our chance and joining the rebellion. Just as Mark said, most of us joined the ACH because it was either that or dying anyways. And now with most of the authorities gone..."

Bob walked towards Tyler, but stayed behind the row of soldiers that still had their guns pointed at Tyler or his soldiers.

Bob too had his gun tightly held in his hand. That alone was enough for me to feel wary. But the expression on his face was also a good giveaway that he was ready to blast Tyler's head off of his shoulders.

Fun!

"Great story. Very tear-jerking. Love it. What's the real one." Tyler frowned. "It is the real one. We only want to help."

"And do you really believe that me or anyone here would trust you in the battlefield? Who's to say that you wouldn't confuse who's team's side you're on?"

Tyler shot me a smile. "Mark would." I shot him an alarmed look and he burst out laughing.

Fuck Tyler, not the time for that.

"No but more seriously, I don't expect you or anyone to. As I said, we wee in town when the bombs were detonated. There's a reason for that." Tyler's knowing smile was annoying even me.

So I couldn't really blame Bob for getting angry at Tyler. "Spit it out!" Tyler raised his hands in surrender but didn't drop the smile.

"We were the ones responsible of kitchen duty. And also cleaning duty. Depended on the week." Bob squinted his eyes before turning back towards me.

"We do need cooks. And if the people in town know them then they could get us some food easily." The same blue-haired soldier from earlier spoke up and I was glad that it was to defend Tyler this time.

"What's to say they're telling the truth." Bob said back and I opened my mouth to answer. I knew for a fact that that was true.

"And even if we had a way of proving what they're saying," Bob said, completely ignoring me, "who would trust them with our food? They could poison us. If you think about it, it's one of the most effective way to get rid of all of us in one go."

Bob had a point. But I trusted Tyler.

I _knew_ Tyler.

He was one of the sweetest and most positive guy ever. And he had helped me countless times.

Tyler looked back at me with a smile, as if saying 'I'm done, your turn'. Great.

"I could test their food. I trust Tyler." Bob looked at me and then back at Tyler.

"Fuck man did you two date or something?" Tyler's laugh echoed in my ears and I felt myself flush, mortified at the thought. "God no! We just go way back!"

"What, am I not good enough for you Mark?" I shot a glare at Tyler who just laughed harder. A few people were chuckling but what surprised me the most was to see Bob laugh.

Wow. I guess he had warmed up to Tyler after all if he was laughing at his shitty humor.

"Ok, I'll give you a chance." I stared wide-eyed at Bob but he wasn't looking at me.

"Oh-kay... So. By a show of hands, who's okay with them staying?" A majority of hands raised up and I sighed in relief.

I guess seeing Bob, one of the most ACH-hating soldier agree to them staying was enough to change the mind of most people who were still reluctant.

"Alright then, that's settled. Soldiers, lower your weapons and let them pass. Tyler, let your soldiers come through one by one, we will still search them for weapons. I think you can understand that." Tyler nodded at me. "Sure thing Mark."

It seemed that for once everything had gone ok. Let's just hope it would stay that way.

 **A/N :**

 **Fun fact, ACH is pronounced like the word ache, but it's okay to say A-C-H separately, it's just longer**


	5. Chapter 5

Tyler and his team had now been in the camp for a few hours and they had -thankfully- proven themselves to be useful.

It was now nearing the evening and there still hadn't been any sign of life from Cry or Nate. Tyler's team was almost done with our dinner which was relaxing. That was one less thing that I'd have to deal with and I was grateful for it.

Plus, they had all worked extremely fast. Bob and a few others had stayed to watch over what they were doing but I knew that it was useless.

Tyler sat down next to me and sighed.

"It's almost done, I'm just taking a breather." I smiled at him. "I'm glad you're here." "I'm glad to be." I nodded.

We stayed silent for a few seconds, just watching Tyler's team moving around.

"What about Wade? Did he make it?" Tyler shrugged. "I don't know. Sorry, Mark." I shrugged.

"It's ok. At least you're okay."

Before Tyler could answer, a random soldier ran up to us. She was red in the face and way out of breath.

"Chief... We..." I told the soldier to breath first and practically forced her to sit down in my chair.

She warily looked at Tyler but quickly turned her attention back to me. It seemed that whatever she had been sent to tell me was more important than seeing someone she didn't know in the camp. Weird.

But I guess new people did arrive everyday in the camp.

"Lieutenant Nate sent me. We are under attack. We need backup."

God fucking damn it. I knew they shouldn't have gone without me.

Then again, if I hadn't stayed then God knows what would have happened to Tyler.

"Alright I'm coming."

I needed to make someone responsible for everyone while I was gone. My first instinct would've been to choose Tyler but I didn't think many people would've agreed.

"Felix! I need Felix! Where are they?"

"I'm here, I'm here. What's going on." Felix seemed irritated that I'd called them, but I had no time for their attitude.

"Cry and Nate are in trouble. I need someone to stay here and take care of everything. Would you be ok with doing that?" Felix widened their eyes and weakly nodded.

"Thank you."

"But... What about the food?" I rolled my eyes at that. "I trust Tyler. Make him eat it first or something. I don't know. It doesn't matter." Felix nodded again.

"Be nice to Cry." Felix said daringly and I rolled my eyes again. "Shut the fuck up." Felix raised their brows at that and I chuckled which made them relax.

"Yes, Chief." I winked at them and turned around.

"Team blue and purple! With me!" The soldiers groaned but obeyed and formed a circle around me. "Our Lieutenant as well as team pink and green are in trouble. We need to assist them and fast." Everyone perked up at that.

Even if they didn't like me very much, we were all on the same side of this war and they all knew it.

I turned back towards the messenger. "Should we take cars?" She nodded.

"Alright. Everyone go get your gear. Don't take anything lethal as usual. Let's all meet up in ten minutes in front of the cars."

"Yes Chief." Everyone moved to their tents and I did the same.

It felt nice to have them listen to me for a change. Real nice.

"So, to recap. They lead you to their base and attacked you? Is that it?"

"More or less." The soldier looked down. As if she was carefully thinking of what words to use next.

"We more of... attacked them first when we saw that there were way more soldiers than we thought?" I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose at that.

"Who gave the order?" The soldier focused her eyes on a random spot, looking deep in thoughts.

"I... Don't think anyone did... I think it was more someone that fired a shot and then two seconds later everyone was shooting at each other." I nodded.

Good.

At least Nate or Cry hadn't fucked up. It would've surprised me if they had honestly.

"Which team shot first? Us or the enemy?" The soldier bit her lip. "Us." I took a deep breath before sighing.

Well, that's gonna make my job a whole lot easier then.

We arrived on the site and it was pure chaos. Soldiers were firing left and right, hidden behind makeshift obstacles. Some were also laying on the ground and it didn't look too good for them.

The team leaders deployed their teams and we were thrown right into the action. But I stayed behind a bit.

I was trying to locate their leader, I knew it would stop the conflict immediately if I were to catch them. But with all the guns firing and all the grenades exploding, locating anyone at all was a challenge of itself.

At least with us as backup, our team wasn't as crushed as they had been before and we were actually holding up now.

I couldn't locate Nate or Cry either which worried me just a tad. But I knew they were capable of taking care of themselves.

Suddenly, and with the help of the wind that made some of the dust that had flown up go away, I noticed them, their leader. It was only for a second, more dust covering everything up the moment after, but I caught them giving out orders.

Ok.

Time to go full Ethan mode.

Or badass mode. Either one.

I took a deep breath and walked -or ran- head first into the battle front.

Grabbing my grenades, I threw both of them on my left and right and put on Ethan's gas mask one second before they exploded, spreading sleeping gas everywhere the enemy was.

I had guns in my holsters, but I was determined not to kill anyone today. Not it if wasn't needed. I would make Ethan proud no matter what.

I ran to where I had last seen the leader while dodging bullets and slid behind a cover. I peaked upwards and, lo and behold, there they were.

They hadn't noticed me yet. And they were wearing a gas mask, clever bastards. I would have to use my gun.

Or guns. Plural.

I only needed to overpower them. Which would certainly be fun since they were way taller than me.

But sparing with Wade had taught me well.

I snuck up behind them while they were shouting orders and grabbed one of my guns.

I took a deep breath and acted.

In one swift motion, I kicked them behind the knee with as much brute force as I could which in turn made them fall down to the floor in a shriek. I quickly grabbed their arms and pinned them to the ground with my knee on their back and my gun on their temple.

Thank God that had gone well.

"Tell your soldiers to stop or I'll fire." I put my knee on their arms and used my free hand to tear off their gas mask.

I stared in shock at his face, letting go without really meaning to.

Wade?

He reacted immediately by elbowing me in the stomach and pushing me off.

I landed on my knees and quickly brought a hand to my stomach because of the blow. He took that as an opportunity to point his gun at me.

"Wade stop it's me!"  
"Hands in the air!"

We had spoken at the same time and I could tell that he hadn't heard me.

I raised my hand in the air but still took off Ethan's gas mask before he could fire.

The effect was immediate, Wade lowered his gun and ran to me before literally lifting me up on the ground and engulfing me into a hug. I normally would've hugged him back, but we were still in the middle of the battle field.

"Wade you've got to tell your soldiers to stop." Wade let me go and looked at me askew before understanding that it was against my team that he was fighting.

"Oh. Right." He looked around himself and took a deep breath.

"Retreat!"

He had yelled so loud that I was sure that even everyone from his team to mine had heard.

Wade's soldiers turned to him in shock. Why would they retreat now? Yes there were more enemies than them, but it was nothing they couldn't handle. And who was that guy with their captain?

But they obviously respected Wade because a second later they were at his side, weapons dropped at their feet and hands behind their head.

I raised a single hand in the air and my soldiers regrouped around me, pointing their weapons at Wade and his team.

"Drop your weapons." A few soldiers exchanged looks. "But..."

"I know them. Drop your weapons." They obeyed this time and I was quite forcefully shown the difference between Wade and his team and me and my team.

Well, I guess Wade had been leader longer than I so it made sense in a way.

"I need Nate and Cry. Where are they?"

"Coming, coming." Nate made his way through the crowd, shortly followed by Cry.

Nate nodded at me. "Nice work here." I raised a brow.

Was that a compliment? From Nate nonetheless? Well, fuck me.

"Not gonna introduce me?" Wade said, putting his hand on my shoulder and leaning on me.

Nate immediately drew his gun and aimed at Wade. "Whoa whoa Nate, calm down." I raised my hands and walked in front of Wade, protecting him. "I know him, we're good friends."

"He killed our soldiers." I rolled my eyes.

"From what I gathered, we were the ones who shot first. And Wade here only defended himself. Plus, he stopped firing when I asked him to." Nate was now glaring at Wade _and_ me.

"Nate, do as he says." That had been Cry.

Nate did as told and I suddenly felt furious that he listened to Cry, a simple soldier, rather than me, his Chief. But at least the gun had been dropped.

"Thank you Cry." Cry ignored me and turned to Wade.

"What do you want from us?" I hated this.

It felt like I was part of the enemy and that Cry was the Chief. I _really_ hated this.

"We want help. We need help. My team is hungry and tired. And some of us are wounded." Cry was once again unreadable, his mask blocking out any emotion that might be showing on his face.

"How can we trust you." Cry's tone was cold. He was nothing like the Cry I knew and trusted.

Wade once again placed his hand on my shoulder and smiled. "Now that I knew that Mark's with you, I'll do anything." I bit my lip.

"I'm the Chief, actually." Wade slightly opened his mouth in shock and looked back and forth at Cry and I.

"I see..." I sighed.

"I am not discussing this right now. Wade is my friend. I trust him with my life. And his team was on its way to beating us even though they were at a disadvantage. Both from our numbers and their tiredness. We need them in our ranks." Cry looked back at me and I held his gaze.

"Fine." The words had been spat out. It was clear that Cry would've rather died than admit I was right. But he had no choice.

"But we'll talk about it later." I looked back at Wade who had both of his eyebrows raised.

"Welcome to the rebellion buddy."

"And you were just saying how we shouldn't forgive anyone since our enemies were so close. And what did you do? Invite them even closer!" Nate had been ranting angrily for a while now.

If he had been angry with the whole Wade thing, he had been furious once we got back home and he discovered the whole Tyler thing.

I was barely listening anymore. He didn't really want me to answer anyway, he just needed to blow off some steam.

Cry was sitting in front of me, on the other side of the room. His mask had been discarded on a table nearby and he was now staring at a particular spot, shooting daggers at it, too. He hadn't even said anything ever since we had arrived back here which was worrying me.

"-Ethan would be fucking furious with your poor leadership skills, if it had been me I would've thrown you out!" I sighed.

"Okay enough." Nate stopped pacing and turned to me in shock.

"You don't get to order me around. You're no fucking-" "I said enough!"

I got up and Nate took a step back. He was fuming.

"I'm not going to stoop at your level so I'm not going to answer any of these insults." Nate looked affronted. And ready to burst any second. But I wasn't done.

"Your anger is unjustified. You aren't acting like a Lieutenant but like a moron."

"Excuse fucking me?!" Nate shrieked and I ignored him.

"I got us new cooks and new resources at the same time since they can access the town all they want; as well as new soldiers that are great fighters. And both of their leaders trust me equally. You should be delighted. But instead you're yelling at me and insulting me. And I don't think this has anything to do with today's events, but rather with the fact that you don't like me." Nate shut his mouth and glared at me.

"You told me to come back when I would know what I was talking about. Well I do. And I think that you're being unfair. Just like I was." Nate perked up at that, looking shocked.

That was as close an apology as he was going to get. I raised my hand at Nate for him to shake. He looked at it and back at me, almost wearily.

Come on Nate, I'm trying here.

"No." I closed my eyes and sighed deeply.

Great.

I lowered my hand and totally tuned Nate out as he started spewing off even more insults at me.

I glanced at Cry and noticed that he was already looking at me.

He wasn't glaring anymore.

He more of looked... proud?

I nodded at him and he nodded back.

At least that was progress. I could only hope that everything would go progressively smoother and smoother with time.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N : This is in Nate's POV for anyone confused**

"Cry we can't just let him get off this easily!" Cry nodded. "I know, I know. But he did act like a Chief. Using his position as ex-leader of the ACH really is a good strategy." I groaned.

Was he being serious? "But Cry..." Cry pointedly looked at me and I rolled my eyes. "Nate. Mark was right, you can't let this grudge affect your point of view."

"It's not just a 'grudge' Cry! And you know it! Mark is nothing but an asshole and I'm apparently the only to notice it!" Cry ran a hand through his hair.

We were both fed up with him, why couldn't Cry just agree with me? We both knew everything would be better with either Cry or I as Chief.

"You know that's not the whole truth. And you can't deny that Mark was good to Ethan in the end. He loved them."

"I loved them too! And I was there for them way more than _Mark_." Cry continued without acknowledging what I'd just said.

"And he's good on the field. You can't deny that. He saved us today by stopping the conflict in seconds."

"Only because he knew the guy! That's cheating." Cry smiled at me and I realized how childish I sounded.

"You know what Ethan would've wanted you to do." Cry had that wise look in his eyes. It didn't suit him.

"Well maybe Ethan didn't always make the best of decisions." I crossed my arms and glared at Cry.

Cry sighed. "You're starting to sound like Mark." How dare he!

"But I'm right! If Ethan had had an ounce of logic in them, then they never would've come back with _Mark_." Even saying his name made me want to barf.

"You know how they were in the beginning. And you know I helped them get through it. We were close... I... I almost thought that they felt the same..." I didn't want to but tears were starting to form in my eyes.

I hated crying. I wasn't weak.

"Nate..."

"And then? Then they have the guts to not only go back with him but to also make him Chief? Instead of one of us? Or Felix? Or anyone for that matters!" Cry was looking at me in pity and I hated it. I hated everything.

"Mark bragged to me. About... About him and Ethan. And how... How they..." A sob cut me off and I realized that I had been crying. I furiously wiped the tears away. I wasn't weak.

"He doesn't know what I've been through. He doesn't deserve Ethan. He doesn't deserve anything!" Cry smiled at me. "You're right. He doesn't. You should talk to him. Tell him all of this." I bit my lip and shrugged. "I... He does know. I told him when we were arguing the other day." Cry perked up, nodding slowly.

"Well. That's good... Did he stop arguing with you after that?" I shrugged.

"I haven't really talked to him since." Cry smiled at me and I glared at him.

"No."

"Oh yes." I shook my head.

"No way."

"I think that today Mark proved he was willing to try. You need to do that too."

"I am not forgiving him." Cry chuckled. "Didn't ask you to. I just want you to talk to him, that's all."

I really didn't want to. But with Cry looking at me like this, I knew that I had no choice. I guess once couldn't hurt that much, right?

And if Mark acted like a jerk, it would just prove my point.

I sighed. "Fine. But just once." Cry smiled.

"Hi." I stood in front of where Mark was with my arms crossed. He was currently talking with that old soldier that had attacked us.

What was his name again... Eh, not important anyway.

Mark looked up and raised a brow at me. "Hi...?" God he looked so damn dumb.

"Can I talk to you for a sec." It wasn't a question, really.

"Sure...?" Well, at least I learned something today : Mark looks even dumber when confused.

He excused himself from the soldier and _God_ could he take even more time? "So... Uh..."

"Not here, follow me." I hadn't thought this through. I didn't want him coming to my tent. It was my space.

"We could go to my tent if you want?" I raised a brow at him. Well, maybe Cry was right. Maybe he really was trying.

I nodded and Mark took us there.

The first thing that I noticed about Mark's tent was that it was really messy at some places and completely immaculate at other ones. The whole thing really was unbalanced and the perfectionist in me was having war flashbacks.

"So..." I crossed my arms again. I really hadn't thought this through. "Tell me what you think about Ethan." I had blurted out the first thing that had popped into my head, but it was worth it if only for the expression on Mark's face.

He had completely lost his cool and now looked shocked, horrified and confused all at once. It was priceless.

"Huh?" His voice had gone a few octaves higher and I was savoring this moment like some fine wine.

"Tell me how you saw them. Why you... loved them. Everything." _Change my mind about you_.

I didn't know if Mark had caught onto what I was really asking of him. After all, he was pretty dumb.

"Are you joking? I honestly can't tell." I rolled my eyes and groaned.

Guess I had to straight up hand it to him. "Change my mind about you."

Mark's mouth took the shape of an 'o' as he finally understood what I was asking.

Mark looked away from me. I followed his gaze and noticed a small blue box. I wondered what could've been inside. It was also in one of the cleaner areas of the tent, so it was obviously meant to be on display.

I was soon forced to look away from it because Mark had started talking. "Ethan was... Everyone liked Ethan. They were just so understanding. Anyone could tell you that." I rolled my eyes.

Yeah. Anyone could.

But I had asked him, not anyone.

"But Ethan was also so much more. Ethan was scared. But also too proud to admit it." Well, that was half-true. Proud... wasn't the word.

As if reading my thoughts, Mark continued. "No, not proud. They wanted to protect everyone. Even if it meant glossing over their own feelings." Yup, that sounded like Ethan all right.

"Ethan was selfless, trusting. They had no secrets." Mark chuckled at that and I raised a brow.

"Well, they had _one_ secret." I looked at Mark in shock but he shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I don't know if Ethan told you, so I won't."

What secret could they have that Mark knew but not me? I knew everything about Ethan. Maybe Mark was talking about something sexual. If that was the case, I did not want to know. I sighed.

I was thinking too much into this. If Ethan didn't want me to know, then that was fine.

Mark looked conflicted. "Do... Do you want me to tell you?" It looked like the words had burned Mark's throat judging by the face he was making.

Did I?

"Do you think Ethan would've been okay with me knowing?" Mark shrugged.

"Probably considering... Yeah..." I raised a brow at that but Mark didn't elaborate.

"Ethan was born with brown hair as you know. But they... I guess there's no other way to say this, they didn't have a dick."

"Oh." Well. Wasn't expecting that.

I nodded slowly.

Made sense now that I thought about it. I mean, I knew that they were taking testosterone, but I had just assumed that it was because they had low levels.

I looked back at Mark and he seemed lost in thought.

God. I couldn't believe I was about to do this.

"Thank you. For telling me." Mark looked shocked for a split-second, but he quickly covered it up.

"Oh- uh. You're welcome?" We both nodded and, oh no, it was getting awkward.

I couldn't deal with awkward. Especially not with Mark.

"I really loved them you know." I don't know if that had made the situation better or worse. "And I know I didn't deserve them. I still think so. But they never cared. They... They always believed in me. And it just made me love them even more." Mark was on the verge of tears.

Wow. He really was pouring his heart out to me.

"Yeah. I know the feeling." I hadn't meant to say that, but now it was out there I guess.

It's not like Mark didn't know that I loved Ethan anyways. It wasn't like it was one of the main reasons of why we hated each other or anything.

"They liked you, you know? That's why I couldn't stand you." I felt my blood run cold.

How fucking dare he drop a bomb like that? I bet it was just to spite me.

But, as I looked up at Mark's face, there was no hint of malice on it. He just looked... sad.

Maybe he hadn't done it to anger me. What a weird thought.

"That doesn't help. At all." I didn't even want to think about the possibilities of what could've been but never was between Ethan and I. That would be too much.

Especially now that I knew that it hadn't been one-sided.

Mark looked up at that and must've seen something on my face because he immediately looked guilty.

"Sorry. I really thought it would." The words had been spoken with such sincerity that I couldn't even doubt them for one second.

Mark was telling the truth. And fuck, I was admitting it. This really was weird.

"Thank you." It had felt needed. And now Mark was smiling at me. And, weirdly enough, his face didn't look as dumb anymore.

"Truce?" Mark had extended his hand at me for me to shake. And even though the thought crossed my head, I never could've turned him down.

I took his hand in mine and shook it.

"Truce."

 **A/N :**

 **Bit of a smaller chapter than usual, but I had to cut it there. Should update soon whenever I get around to editing. Thanks for reading and have a great day!**


	7. Chapter 7

**[TW Gore, mentions of rape]**

After the encounter I had had with Nate, we had bother retreated back to our tents.

After all, the day had been long for everyone and we were all exhausted.

A soldier had come in a little while back to tell me that they had given Wade, Tyler and all of their teams tents to stay in. I had thanked them and they'd gone to rest like everyone else.

I, myself, felt worn out. And yet, I couldn't seem to fall asleep.

The events of the day kept replaying in my mind and I couldn't help but think about what I could've done better. The strings of whats ifs and buts kept repeating over and over again. It seemed never ending.

And on top of that, I still couldn't shake off the feeling that the bed was too empty. In the midst of everything, I'd forgotten to change it.

I sighed and opened my eyes. They had adapted to the darkness of my tent, but even then it was hard to see. Everything was silent, too. There was no light pebble of the rain like most nights. Nor quiet footsteps of a soldier going back to their tent. And, of course, there were no animals to be heard.

Sometimes, that was the thing that I hated the most about living in the desert. That and the heat.

I rolled on my side and contemplated the inside of my tent instead of just staring at the wall. Everything was barely visible, but I knew every nooks and crannies like the back of my hand.

I really needed to tidy it all up, but I couldn't bring myself to touch at Ethan's stuff just yet. It felt too much like getting rid of them and I, in no way, wanted that.

God, why couldn't I sleep?

I sat up on my bed before getting up. The blue box perched up on Ethan's desk had been eyeing me for a while and I knew that I wouldn't sleep before having looked at the pictures one more time. After all, a trip down memory lane couldn't hurt... Right?

Grabbing the little box and sitting back down on my bed, I opened it. I had turned on a small lamp on my way there to help me see better. And the soft light was just enough for me to see the first picture. I grabbed it and smiled at it.

It was the one of Ethan and Cry doing funny faces at the camera. I smiled bitterly at the sight of Cry. He looked so happy and carefree. Where had that Cry gone to?

"Mark, you awake?" I jumped in shock and quickly hid the box under my blanket.

I cleared my throat before answering, just in case it was obvious how emotional I'd been just a second ago.

"Yes? Who is it?" I really shouldn't have turned on that lamp.

"It's me, Cry. Can I come in?" Well, that was unusual to say the least. Also, wasn't it like four in the morning or something?

"Sure?" Cry walked under my tent with determination, almost like he was walking towards the battlefield. I could see that he was wearing his mask even in the darkness surrounding him. The little light coming from my lamp reflected on his mask and made it shine. Also, it was getting lighter and lighter the more we progressed into the night.

Cry was standing awkwardly, head turned away from me.

"Can't sleep either?" Cry nodded absentmindedly, rendering my attempt at a conversation completely useless. He seemed lost in thought.

Guess I had nothing better to do than wait. I ran a thumb over the picture in my hand, trying to calm down from when Cry scared me.

"Can I?" Cry said, taking a few steps towards me and pointing at a chair near my bed. I nodded and he sat down in one swift motion.

I wondered what he was thinking about. At least, he hadn't yelled at me or anything. Which was a good sign in my book.

Cry sighed and took off his mask before discarding it on the table.

"Look... Mark. I wanted to apologize." I raised my eyebrows in shock at that.

It shouldn't surprise me, really. Cry was always just and, when he wasn't, he acknowledged it. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn't been as fair as usual with me. Or maybe it had been the fact that I'd given up on anyone treating me properly.

Whatever it was, it shocked me.

"I know I've been giving you shit and... I did try and test your patience unfairly." Well, testing my patience was one way to put it.

"I thought it was the right thing to do and that you deserved it, but I was wrong." Cry paused and, finally, met my eyes.

He did look guilty.

"I think that today you've more than proved that you can be a great Chief. And even if you let your emotions take over sometimes, it doesn't make you a bad Chief, it makes you human." Cry smiled at me and I felt my heart melt.

God, he's so well-spoken. He reminds me of Ethan in a weird way.

"And I know that Nate has been a bit of an ass, but I guess you can't blame him too much." I sighed.

"I need to apologize too. I know I've been a dick lately. And you really didn't deserve it. I'm sorry." Cry smiled at me again.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, too. And also about losing my temper in general. I really need to get better at that."

"Yeah you do." I stared at Cry in shock before slowly starting to laugh. God I had missed his bluntness.

Cry was looking at me in amusement and wow I was suddenly reminded of how handsome he was.

"Did I ever tell you why I hate it when people yell?" I shook my head at that.

Any trace of fun had left Cry's face.

"I just assumed that it was like most people. I mean, yelling is loud and scary." Cry shrugged. "There's a bit of that."

Cry was playing with the strap of his mask, his eyes no longer on me, but instead focused on the object.

"It also has to do with how I got my mask... Do you want to hear it?" I perked up at that.

I had always been curious as to why Cry had that mask, but I knew that it wasn't my place to ask. But now Cry was willing to tell me.

"Do you _want_ me to hear it?" Cry shrugged. He was rubbing circles with his thumb on his mask distractedly.

"Yeah. Why not." I nodded. "Then sure, I'm listening."

"It's not a very happy story."

"I figured."

Cry sighed and pushed the mask onto his lap, running his thumb over a small crack near the top of it. I had never noticed it before, but it was probably because his hair normally hid it.

"I was a foster child growing up. I aged out of the system, but I was still there for the most of my childhood." Cry paused, looking up at me, judging my reaction.

And I honestly didn't know how I looked, but Cry seemed pleased since he continued his story.

"I had a few families try and take care of me -I'll come back to that later-, but I was mostly in the foster house with the other children. I loved taking care of them. I was like their big brother. Or even dad for some of the younger ones." I furrowed my brows in confusion. Weren't there people to do that?

Cry must've noticed my confusion because he paused in his story to explain.

"Oh yeah, forgot to mention. I was in a foster home for colored-haired children. Most of us had been abandoned by our parents because... well... you know." I nodded in wonder. It made sense, really.

But... Cry didn't have colored hair?

"I used to have pink hair." I furrowed my brows even more.

"But... Why do you dye it?" Cry shrugged.

"It's like you, you identify with your hair because it corresponds with your gender. Well, it's exactly the same for me. I'm a guy, you know. And brown hair equals that."

"Yeah but you can still be a guy with pink hair."

"Just like you're still you with brown hair."

"Touché." Cry smirked at me. Now that he had mentioned it, I could see some of his roots showing.

"Ethan used to dye it for me. I haven't done it in a while, but thankfully, my hair grows super slowly."

"I'm assuming only Felix knows." Cry nodded.

"And now you." I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"Anyways. So I was basically the one in charge of thirty something kids."

"That ought to teach you some stuff." Cry chuckled. "Oh yeah..."

He was gripping his mask in his hands so tightly that I was scared it would break. But it seemed really solid now that I looked at it up close.

"But I wasn't always in charge because -as I said- I was adopted a few times. In total, I've been in three families. Well, four counting my real one, but I'm not counting it." Cry had a weird look on his face, his jaw tight and his eyes glaring at nothing in particular.

I wanted to ask, but had the common sense not to. That and I respected his privacy.

"The first family I actually did like. I was five back then and I didn't understand the whole colored-haired business. The two women who took care of me were pretty nice, but they dyed my hair without my consent. If they had wanted a normal child, then I don't know why they hadn't adopted one right off the bat." Cry ran a hand through his hair, lifting it up, and, this time, I definitely noticed the hot pink at the seams of his hair.

How had I never noticed it before?

"Well, I do know why they chose me." Cry laughed bitterly at that. "We're cheaper. And the procedure takes less time because they want us gone as fast as possible." That fucking sucked.

"But anyway, they ended up kicking me out a year and a half later when I started refusing the dye." Cry took a deep breath, closing his eyes and rubbing the back of his head. He looked exhausted.

"Do you want something to drink? I can make you a coffee or a tea if you want?" Cry smiled gratefully at me.

"A tea would be nice." I got up and busied myself. It felt better anyway than sitting down and doing nothing. Plus, I didn't know how Cry wanted me to react.

"The next family I was with with was the one that I liked the least and subsequently the one I stayed with the less time. It was a huge family where everyone walked over everyone. The 'parents' barely remembered my name and barely took care of me. It was like the foster house all over again except everyone resented me. I was ten. I stayed two months with them."

The kettle whistled so Cry stopped talking for a second. He was looking around the tent and I appreciated that he didn't keep his eyes trained on me. I really didn't know how to react to all of this.

"And my last family was the worst." I raised a brow.

"I know I said I didn't like the other one. But the others were at least sort of normal. This one was horrible. It wasn't even a family." How could this get any worse?

"This one is linked with how I got my mask." Cry took a deep breath. "And my scars." I handed Cry his tea and sat back down.

Well, fuck me, that does sound worse.

"So this guy adopted me. I was fifteen at the time, so I pretty much knew how to take of me and thirty other children at this point. But this guy, he was completely twisted. At first, he was pretty nice. He didn't mind my hair, he let me go out and enjoy the town and he even cooked for me."

Wow, the bar was so low. I couldn't even imagine living like this.

"But then, slowly but surely, he locked me in. He always said it was because I had done something to wrong him." Cry looked up and met my eyes and I felt a shiver run through me.

"I hadn't, by the way." I halfheartedly smiled at him. "I figured."

Cry averted his eyes from me and I felt my shoulders relax.

"Soon I wasn't allowed out. But it still wasn't enough. So he stated beating me, of course, like any good parent does." I winced at Cry's biting tone.

"But it wasn't satisfying enough. And just not embarrassing enough for me. But dressing me up as a girl, now that, that was cool." I felt sick to my stomach.

"Because of course, pink is feminine and what not." Cry sighed.

"He wouldn't let me go back to my foster home so I tried to run away. In a dress and all. Got brought back by the police. I wasn't exactly discreet with my pink hair. That was the first night he used me. And beat me up so much that he disfigured me. I still have some light discoloration on my chin, cheeks and forehead. But you can barely see it anymore." I couldn't see in the dark and I honestly didn't want Cry to think that I was staring so I didn't look.

"But now that he had beat me to a pulp, I wasn't 'pretty' enough. Hence the mask." Cry said while lifting his mask and putting it on his face for a brief second.

How could he keep something like that with him? After all of this?

"I bashed his skull in." Cry looked up at me with the seriousness of a psycho and the fear of a confessing criminal.

It was... really hot.

Seeing that I wasn't answering, but also wasn't moving away from him or freaking out, Cry continued.

"One day he came home drunk. It had been a week since I had last eaten, so I was pretty weak at this point. But still, as he walked to me, dick hanging out of his pants, crazed look in his eyes, I felt this strength take over me. I'm not a violent man, never have been. But I wanted nothing more than to make him eat the fucking mask. And so I did. I can still remember how he talked the piece of shit. _Little Ryan this, little Ryan that_." Cry covered his mouth in shock and let his emotions show for the first time in a moment.

Oh.  
 _Ryan_.

Right.

Cry jumped up from his chair with an energy that was uncommon for him. He was pointing at me and his eyes screamed murder.

" _Never._ " He was speaking in a low voice, lower than usual.

"Never utter that name." Fuck. I could have creamed my pants.

"I know what a deadname is, Cry. I won't." He visibly snapped out of it, calming down in the blink of an eye.

"Right. I'm- sorry. Sorry." Cry ran a hand through his hair and let himself fall down on the chair.

"Fuck I... I haven't even told Felix my... this..." I didn't know if he was on the brink of crying or of having a panic attack. Maybe both.

"Cry. Please calm down. I won't ever call you like that. Never. I know you're Cry." Cry nodded frantically.

His eyes were unfocused.

His mask had fallen from his lap when he had stood up and was still on the floor.

I got off the bed and kneeled down to pick it up. I handed it to Cry and his eyes focused on me.

He seemed to be silently thanking me. He grabbed the mask and expertly tied it on his head.

"Do you want a hug? Or do you want me to move away?" I had handled panic attacks before, be it my own or Ethan's or even Tyler's. So I knew what to do.

"That'd be nice." I wrapped my arms around Cry and engulfed him in a hug. He seemed to be quickly calming down, thankfully.

After a moment, Cry moved away so I let go and sat back down on my bed.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, I get it."

He smelled really nice. God, I needed to get my head out of the gutter.

Cry needed me and I was only thinking about sex. Wait. I wanted to have sex with Cry?

"Should I continue? Or was it too much?" I quickly repressed the thought and smiled at Cry.

"It should be me asking you that. I don't mind whether you tell me or not." Cry nodded.

"I'll continue then." He took a deep breath.

"He kept me chained up just in case I got too clever again and tried to escape. But, this time, he uncuffed me. I don't know if it was because he thought I was too weak to do anything or what. All I know is that he shouldn't have." Cry looked liked a hunter, bloodthirsty and ready to kill his prey.

And _God_ did I want to be that prey. What the _fuck_ was wrong with me.

I blinked a few times and focused on Cry.

"I remember not knowing what to do, but also knowing that I was about to do it. It was... great..."

There it was again. That weird feeling of being hunted. I felt a shiver run up my back. And I honestly didn't think it was from fear.

"As he towered over me, I kicked him in the groin. And then I was gone. I remember throwing him on the floor. (Don't ask with what strength, I don't know either.) I remember the crunch of his teeth followed by his scream as I lodged my mask in his mouth. I think I broke his jaw by pressing too hard." Cry was so passionate.

It was like he was re-living the moment, his hands moving in sync with what he was saying.

I almost wanted to ask him to take off his mask to see the glint in his eyes. I almost did, too, but stopped myself. It would've made him pause his story, and I didn't want that in anyway. Not in a million years.

I think I was hard in my pants.

"But he wasn't dead just yet. And he was trying to break free too. That was annoying." Cry had a twitch in his neck.

And _fuck_ did his neck always look so hot? It only needed a few hickies and- focus.

Right. Focus.

"So I broke both of his arms. One by one, bone by bone. I started with the wrist, so he couldn't use his filthy hands to touch me. Then I got to his elbows and finally his shoulders. Dislocating them would've done the trick, but it was much more satisfying hearing the _crack_ rather than the _pop_. But he was screaming too loud. And it was gurgled too. What with all the blood and porcelain mask in his mouth. Even in death he was disgusting." Cry sighed disdainfully and I swear I had never been more sexually attracted to someone in my life.

Well, there had been Ethan, but this was different. This was animalistic. A need, almost.

"His screams were getting too annoying so I decided to finish him off. Maybe I should've taken more time with him. More time to watch him suffer like he did to me all those years." I wanted to ask how long, but I don't know if Cry would've heard me.

"So I took my mask and raised it down on him with all of my strength. It only manage to make him shed some blood. It wasn't enough. So I did again, bringing it all the way up and then down on him. One time. Two times. He was starting to pass out too. But a good slap on his broken jaw was enough to jolt him back into consciousness." Cry was smiling so wide, I could see it from the edge of his mask. He must've looked crazy.

Crazily hot, too.  
But I wasn't thinking about that.

"The fourth time I brought down the mask, it chirped away a bit of it." Cry lifted his hair and showed me the crack that I'd noticed before. I nodded and he kept going.

"But I didn't mind. Seeing the bits of porcelain sticking to his bloodied forehead was _so_ satisfying." Fuck.

"In fact, the indent helped since the mask was now sharper. By the time I stopped, his eyes were nothing but mush and his head might as well have been cut in half. His brain was splattered all over the floor. And me. And some was sticking to the mask. But none of it disturbed me. I felt good. I felt free. It was exhilarating. I was eighteen."

Cry's head shot up to me, as if remembering that I was there and that what he was saying wasn't exactly common and/or normal.

I was flushed, my breath coming in short raspy bursts.

Why was Cry telling me about the gruesome murder of his foster parent turning me on? God I was messed up.

Cry took off his mask with shaking hands and stared at his feet.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" Cry slowly breathed out.

"No." I answered just as quietly.

"Do you pity me?"

"No." Same tone, same answer.

"Then what are you thinking?" I bit my lip. "Honestly?" Cry nodded. "Please."

"I think it's hot." Cry's head shot up, shock written all over his face. As well as a blush that spread all the way down his neck.

I had never been one for subtlety anyways.

"Hot...?" Cry repeated, astonished.

"Yeah." I was breathless.

"You... do know that I'm with Felix, yes?" I shrugged.

"I never said I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with you." I licked my lips. They felt dry.

In fact, my whole throat felt dry. Raw even.

"Yeah but the way you're looking at me is- Oh." Ah. So my words had registered.

I didn't want a romantic relationship with him. Keyword : romantic. Anything else would be fine with me.

Cry cleared his throat. "Right. Well. I think this had been enlightening." He hastily got up, fumbling with the chair and almost knocking it down in the process.

"I should leave." His voice was back to being higher, maybe even higher than usual. I honestly couldn't tell in my state.

I hummed and Cry nearly raced to the exit.

He turned around before leaving and stared at me for a few seconds. "Are you... Would you..." He shook his head and left before I could answer.

I hope I hadn't scared him away.

Now, to take care of my problem.


End file.
